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Gaz races back to let the possy know, he goes to John first knowing that the Escort Cossy is the only thing that stands the best chance ina head to head. But....
John has just fitted his mega XXXL GT Supra ultimate downforce full adjutable Ally and Carbon Whale fin rear spoiler. (its actually a tail fin from a 737 he bought from a dodgy bloke at the Nags head)
They both agree the spoiler looks the dogs....
John and Gaz jump in fire her up and away.... and away....
Err we are not moving John.
The weight of all the bass bins in the boot and the new spoiler are lifting the front wheels off the ground. SCRABBLY OVERLOAD... 
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.........."S**t" shouts Gaz "we're really in furrit now, What we gonna do the cruise is tomorrow night"
"dont worry" John replies "Ive got an idea" they huddle closer (so they can hear each other over the bass) "We pretend to be writers of Max power and call a supplier and get some of that Octopus booster or sumink"
"that is the biz" cries Gaz
The number for Apex Performance is dialled
ring ring click "Apex perfermance Bren speaking"
"Er alright mate" John says giggling slightly as Gaz has accidently rubbed his hand up Johns Leg!
"We're from Max power and we wanted to test......."
"Aye awright mate, F**K OFF" click
"What we gonna do now John?"...............
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"I got it!" exclaims John excitedely.
"Got wot" asks Gaz gormlessly.
"The answer!" exclaims John again even more excitedly " we need a stand alone fuel system and in car telepathy."
"What's that then John?" asked Gaz with his "too hard light" flashing brightly.
"Errr.....I dunno but I think I got a idea."
They both go back to John's house and John rushes up to his room and comes back out holding two items in his hands proclaiming, "this will see us doing sub eleven quarters!"
"You what" asks Gaz looking at the two dusty items John is clutching.
"We'll fit these in the Cossie and this will sort out the problem, all we do is link this into the ecu and we can dial up whatever boost and fuelling settings we want!" says John.
Gaz looks at what John is holding.."Errrr.....John 'aint that a Sinclair ZX Spectrum and an old etch-a-sketch?"
"Yeah but we can't afford one of them fancy ones but this must be the same really!?"
"Yeah right, top work John, let's get cracking" shouts Gaz, not really knowing what the feck John is on about!
They go out to the street and furiously set about installing their new found salvation into the hole in the dash Gaz has now hacked with a stanley knife.
As the sun sets our two unlikely heroes work into the night fettling their steed (inbetween working on the motor!!)...........
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Gaz was on the startline of santa pod with a skyline in the other lane, he reved the saxo hard and stared accross at the skyline driver who was sweating and had a nervouse look on his face. The lights changed and they were off, the skyline pulled a little ahead, gaz slammed it up another gear and realed him in. Steadiely he started to pass untill there was a good 10 meters in front.............. "Gaz!" "Gaz you muppet wake up!" John poked Gaz with the screwdiver again and he woke up. "Fat lot of help you are" said john "aww man I was having a good dream" gaz blurted, "chipendales again" laughed john. John then showd gaz how his new creation worked, "look, if you twiddle this knob the line goes accross, and this one makes it go up. What we have to do is plot our intended power graph onto the screen, fire the spectrum up which reads the info and downloads it into the ecu" "Amazing" gaz gasped, "what shall we set it to?", " uurmm how about 950bhp for a start, with a near vertical torque curve" " that should sort those pesky C5 ermm sorry R5's out" Gaz concentrated hard as he twidled the knobs to achive the required power graph. " aaahhhchew" " bugger" " what!?" said john. "I sneazed and moved this button the wrong way, your set to goto 1200bhp at 2000rpm and then down to 26bhp at 3000rpm" "you fu*kin flid" shouted john, "dont worry, we can reset these things" says gaz "how?" john snarled " you just shake them up and down and it clears it all" "How the hell are we gonna do that? it's fixed to the car!" gaz paused for a thought, which triggerd of a migrane. " I Know" gaz shouted " you get that side of the car and stand on the sill and I'll stand on the sill here, if we jump up and down enough the screen should clear"
Gaz and John start jumping up and down and gradualy the screen begins to clear, when Crack! the suspension gives in and the car drops, wheels smashing into the arches, crushing the zorst and popping the tyres.
Gaz starts running as john roots for his half of a snooker cue he hid behind the seat.............
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Oh as no one else is gonna write anymore,
The story continues:-
John finaly finds what he's looking for, his trusty half a snooker cue. "I'll get the stupid kid" he thinks to himself and take of after Gaz who is running for his life, afterall he has just helped to destroy the local lunies pride and joy. Gaz turns a corner leaps over a barrier and legs it over a dual carrageway and into some back allys, "5hit he's still behind me" he thinks to himself, "what can I do to shake him?" Gaz gets an idea, running towards the super market thinking of hiding in the crowds, only its 11:30pm and the 24 hour isnt to busy. Gaz stands at the door frozen at the sight of john running towards him in accross the car park. Boom Boom yagga yagga Booooom Booom screatch, jakob enters the car park sideway trying to impress the girlies again. Whallop! john flies through the air and lands on the bonnet of another car, jakob carries on unaware of his new dent wondering why mc muthu fluka hard nut had decided to put that extra bass boom in that particular place as it didnt sound quite right.
Meanwhile Gaz is off legging to Maccy D's where his crew hang out and explain whats just happend to john...........
over to you guys 
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Remeber those Dody Spectrum Rubber Keyboards...
.... Jon finally calms down, and he and Gaz kiss and make up - they'll never make the cruise unless they both work together on this one.
"C'mon Jon", says Gaz. "If we don't get this top mota to the cruise, we'll never get to have a 3 some with them page 3 birds from Lax Bowels Mag!".
Our 2 heroes work tirelssly to replace the exhaust with a section of plastic draipipe ("Much lighter than steel!" syas Gaz) and replace the suspension with some off a mountain bike they nicked last week. Luckily, John has a Hlafors puncture repair kit, and they are able to fix the tyres. All that remains is the engine mapping.
Gaz gets to work on the Etch a Sketch, and draws the mother of all power curves - Peak power of 937BHP at 12345Rpm, and a torque curve like Jakki Deggs a*se. It's a beauty.
"F*kin' hell" says Jon. "Lets get it in the speccy, quick".
"How?" Says Gaz.
"Where's the tape player? thats how we used to do it!"
"I wired it to the Goodmans Head Unit, via the 300Watt Equaliser Booster" replies Gaz exitedly. Jon somehow manages to insert the Etch a Sketch into the tape slot, and hits the play button. He fires up the Spectrum, and looks exitedly at the 12 inch black anw white display as the mighty proceesor rumbles into life and boots up.
Jon gets to work on the keyboard : L - O - A - D - " - E - ......"
"Sh*t!, we're screwed!" He says quietly. A Hush descends. "What's up?" says Gaz.
" The F%ckin' T key doesn't work....."
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Our boys give up, the cars never going to make the cruise.
At the moment Jacob appears dressed in his finest Ali G gear and shouting Booyaka at random.
He find our hero's drawing pictures of what they think womens bits look like on the etch a sketch.
Jacob interupts the Rolf Harris session.. The challange is in. he announces.
The West side posse have challanged us, the winner gets the cars and control of the streets, the loosers find a new patch to cruise. We will never get laid if we dont win... eeer again I mean...
Whats the deal? utters john.
The old airfiled strip, today at 5 past that hour thats straight down on the clock face.
Sh*t you mean 6....
John looks at the two with a stern face. There is only one thing for it.
He walks to the garage and produces from his pocket a large bunch of keys, unlocks the garage door and lifts the door up and over to reveal...
His Dads street racing Escort Mexico, lovingly restored over years to its finest racing days.
Gaz and Jacob's jaws drop, like looking at a piccy of Alana.
They all jump in, after that they all get in the car, dials and switches everywhere like a James Bond car.
John fires her up, a mighty roar is produced from the highly polished zorst.
The three head of to the airstrip full of confidence.
Booyaka shouts Jacob.
Shut the f*ck up the others reply...
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As the metallic luminous green paintwork glimmers in the setting sun, with the fluffy dice swinging to the beat of Ali G stylie music from the 8-track, nothing can go wrong this time ...........
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Jacob gets on his new mobile phone office to gather the rest of the possie, everybody should see this moment.
Jacob's new colour interactive web enabled multi screen changeable cover phone has a new feature, SAD GIT MODE, you can get the phone to ring you at random, when you answer it plays faint garbled voices to make you look popular.
The possie approaches, each car in a differant day glow colour that would make Tango proud.
Each car with assorted bits of plastic glued on to make them look "sporty"
Each car with an exhaust trim, screwed onto another exhaust trim, for that big zorst look.
A ladies garter (still with price tag) hangs from the rear view mirrior with an ultra violet spot light aimed to highlight it.
Its going to be the finest hour for them..... or will it....
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I think this is definetely one of the funniest threads I've ever seen.. thanks for cheerin up my day in work guys!!!!!!
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6pm arrives, and the possie are out in force. Saxo's, Nova's and Corsa's with every conceivable Halfords supplied accessory line the sides of the road, waiting in anticipation for the big show down. A small crowd of neutral onlookers has also formed, eager to see a Heavyweight epic battle of Audley Harrison vs Frank 'Behind You!' Bruno proportions. This is the real thing...
A distant rumbling noise is heard, heads all turn, to see the East Side possy scraping the side skirts of there 'slammed' R5GTTs negotiating Tesco's speed bumps to enter the battlefield. Smoke fills the air, no one is quite sure if it's weed or just a head gasket failure, but no one really cares. This is too important.
Time for the show down...
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The teams face off - with lots of arms bent, leaning back, daft stare style posturing.
Some are smoking Joints, trying to look hard
Some are spitting, trying to look hard
Some are drinking Stella, trying to look hard
Some are facing the wrong way....
The tension mounts
The Goodmans/Matsui Combos blare to distortion, bootlids fuzz incessantly with harmonic distortion.
Then...
The mother of all modified cars arrives.... Followed by another, and yet one more........
The beasts boast proper tuned Turbos, Lairy Graphics, More lights than is strictly necessary, and are full of blokes carrying more than just snooker cues.
They are Volvo T5Rs
They are the LAW!!!!
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What we got ere
What we got ere then ? Asks's one of the cops ( mid life crises abaited by his 'souped up' Volvo' !.
It's me motor init !
Get out of the car lad.... as he's mates are depseratly juggling their ultra-hip plastic fones calling there mums.....
The copper looks at the plate, what this supposed to be ?
It's me Carbon Fibred covered plate init highlighted in neon mr.
As the other's flee to change venue the copper book's the 'young offender' for noise pollution (from his Goodmans), incorrect vehicle license plate , no tax, no insurance, bald tyres and restricted visibility out the rear window thanks to a 4 foot by 3 foot Alpine sticker !
The boy has learnt his lesson and scuttles off home... meanwhile, the faint smell of blue smoke and the sound of plastic scraping can be heard from the Halford car park drawing nearer..... the race is on .............
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Gradually the noise of scraping plastic is joined by what sounds like a giant swarm of wasps approaching. Then, through a haze of burning 2 stroke, appear the local 16 year old biker gang!
There are Peugeot Speedfights and Aprilia SR50’s for most of the boys, although John is still riding his Mum’s Vespa. Clayton’s Dad has bought him a Gilera DNA for his 16th birthday and it almost looks like a proper bike if you squint and stand far enough back.
The leader of the gang Chaz is riding Spain’s finest, a Derbi GPR50 which is supposed to look like a race rep, although secretly they all know the only race rep it looks anything like, is one that has gone on a major diet and then been hit from both sides by a bus. The illusion is also shattered by the fact that it sounds similar to a duck on speed, trapped at the end of a long tunnel.
With their 50cc’s of ‘power’ each these boys know they are the ones that really rule the roost!
Chaz’s jealousy of boys with proper transport gets to much for him and all his insecurities about his acne and dubious sexual orientation boil to the surface.
“Come on” shouts Chaz “lets go teach this lot a lesson”
Unfortunately Chaz is wearing a full face helmet, and most of his posse have fitted illegal and pointlessly load and screamy exhausts. As a result when he turns into the Halfords car park he finds himself alone, in a car park full of lowered, spoilered, multicoloured shopping trolleys with two rival gangs about to go into deadly battle.
Chaz sh1ts himself and rides off at full pelt…..30 mph in a racing crouch.
The two gangs look at each other and totally non-plussed by this brief appearance of some spotty pillock on a posh moped and after a few seconds of silent thought Jacob shouts
“Right, lets get it on!”
The other guys all eye him suspiciously for a second but then realise he means the race.
Battle is about to commence and there can be only one victor (although Victor’s mum wouldn’t let him out tonight so it’ll have to be one of the other boys).
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dont forget the part when the police raid the house and confiscate the supply of go faster smelly trees for the escort boys lol
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Rep type thing
Just found this thread.
I am PML!!!
We need to know who wins!!!
Jeff, absolute class mate especially the last sentance.
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Well done lads, a very funny story
When the 'script' is finished, I reckon someone should E-Mail it to Pinewood Studios LOL, or failing that, send to Universal Pictures and see how ar it gets!! ROFL.
Nice one. Keep it going.
Robert.
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Chaz winds the throttle and sets off at all speed, well it sets off.
Chaz is slightly quicker off the mark.
Jacob now lets rip, they all laugh.
Jacob now plants his foot firmly down on the ali covered go pedal of his Saxo VTS.
The Saxo lunges forward and is soon catching Chaz.
Chaz checks over his shoulder, sees Jacob, then crouches down into Olympic speed posture, his steed is performing well and sounds like a swarm and hornets crossed with a long wet fart.
Jacob turns up the tunes, Snoop doggy dog blares out on the 16 speaker system.
Jacob giggles and goes red as Snoop just said dick.
Then suddenly he slams on the brakes. Could this mean disaster?
The exit to the retail park has that speed bump. how could have he forgotten???
The Saxo with all the plastic glued to it could never make it over that bump, not since he cut two coils off the springs as well..
The possie look on in horror...
What can we do they cry???
John suggests that the all pick up a corner and lift it over the bump.
Jacob jumps out and shouts the rest over "there is only one think we can do, everybody grab a spoiler and pull, its only stuck on with Humbrol model glue, I had some left over from making the models of the Skyline, ZX & Veilside 200sx"
John thinks of Billing again and pulls as quick as he could, they all tell him to stop as they have not got time for that and its disgusting in public.
They all yank away at the body kits and soon the kits have formed a pile. Oddly bigger than the car they were removed from.
Jacob jumps back in and heads for that speed bump with a vision of victory and what John was doing a minute ago.
Chaz has now built up a lead of what can only be described as meters.
Who will be the final victor???
Last edited by Darksurfer; 21-07-2002 at 19:33.
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